If I'm being really honest. Part One.

If I'm being really honest I'd tell you...

That I chose my daughters preschool based on the fact that they do curbside pick up so I didn't have to get out of my car in the winter. Education aspects are secondary to the chill factor. Obviously.

I quit dance when I was 9 because that "scoop" we did with our hips made me feel highly sexual.  I was like "What are these feelings!?!?"

In junior high as the class president of my church group I was supposed to prayerfully choose the girls in my group to lead with me. When that route provided me with no results I chose the girls MASH style. You know, the game you played when you were in elementary school to decide who you were going to marry, if you'd end up driving a limo, or live in a shack. Yeah that game. I hid in my room and used that game to decide who my counselors would be.

When I said I had to go home to put my kids to bed I really meant I wanted to sit on my couch and eat popcorn.

That twirl you saw me do as as a kid? It wasn't spontaneous dancing. I was smelling my own fart. You're like "ewww" and I'm like "I know!"

When I said I didn't care that I didn't get asked to any of the high school dances I was really crying alone in my room. You're like "awww" but its okay, its funny now. Lets have a laugh.

I did not laugh it off when I was 10 and told my mom an octopus joke with the accidental punchline of "testicles" instead of "tentacles". (And got scolded.) No I did not casually walk away like she thought. I nervously ran upstairs to the dictionary and looked that s*@t up!

Lets be honest, because the truth is so much funnier than fiction.

But before you go there's one more thing you need to know.  Chris Farley was my biological father.

Now what would you like to get off that chest of yours?  Spill it, its safe here.