Top Of The World

What a day, what a day. Y'all won't believe what's going on.

I guess you could say my blog is priiitty successful. I'm getting the most flattering comments left and right from these "anonymous" fans. I guess they like me so much they don't want to admit who they are just yet, so as not to seem like stalkers and such.

The cool thing is these anonymous worshippers can see my potential even in a post that doesn't have much content.

For example on my post where I listed some clothing for sale. It was basically just a bunch of photos of my shirts I was selling. But I guess my glowing personality and charming wit shine right through even in a post like that. Here is what one worshipper had to say:

"This paragraph is genuinely fruitful in favor to me. Please keep up the posts like this."

First of all, wow! Second, yeah!

Another reader said, in response to my clothing pictures:

"Thаnks designed fоr sharing such a nice thinking, paгagraph is niсe, thats why i have read it entirеly"

Clearly they scoured the post and truly adore me and have a fondness for grammar.

And yet another one from my clothing post:

" Heу thеre! Τhis poѕt cοuld not be written anу better! Reading thгough this рοst rеminԁs me of my previous гoom mate!Hе аlωays keρt talking about this.I will forward this aгtісlе to him.Рretty sure he will haѵe a gοod read."

And my favorite most thoughtful genuine comment of them all, on my post "If I'm Being Really Honest" the post where I confessed such things as my fondness for smelling my own farts as a child. Here is what my fan had to say:

"I really appreciate this thoughtful post. It is clear that you've spent much time researching the topic that you write about. If you aren't already a famous blogger you will certainly be one in no time."

I feel proud, so proud right now that these perfect strangers are getting all this from my posts. I will take credit though. What, so sue me, I'm confident in my skills!? I guess you could say I just have a natural knack for writing that radiates from everything I put out there into the universe.

I'm on cloud nine that my raw talent is being recognized.

Before I sign off let me just say, thank you my little lolo-ites. I know one day you'll reveal yourselves. But for now I'll just offer my thanks and say I wouldn't be here without you.

Muah!

Okay, I'm kidding, I'm totally kidding. They're totally spam. But every time I get an alert on my phone and I start reading one of these "comments" my heart skips a beat for just a moment when I read such nice words. And then I realize...a shiny robot wrote it. Buuut it makes me laugh every time at how inappropriate the comments usually are for the particular post. Thanks for the laughs you silly robots, you.

Pizza Hopes and Sidewalk Dreams

So I'm gonna let you guys in a little secret.  

I'm a wife, I'm a mom, I do super cool things, yeah it's true but I haven't REALLY fulfilled my life's passion yet.  

Deep, deep, way deep down inside I long to throw my headphones on, blast a little Salt N Pepa all up in my ears, slip into my sexiest sweatpants, and dance my heart out like this...

Okay so these guys don't the big bucks, but so what.  Think of the calories they burn whilst dancing.  Think of the freedom they feeling just letting it all hang out. (Hopefully just figuratively, right!?  *nudge nudge*)  Not a care in the world but getting the fine folks, the passersby if you will, to enjoy a 5 BUCK PIZZA!  

But don't get me wrong you guys, I'm not doing this job unless I have a full body costume a la this guy...

  

I mean come on, have a little dignity you non costume wearing dancers.  Hideyoself.

Do you really want everyone knowing this is what you do for a living!?  Put on a clever coverup and hit those streets.  

One of these days I'll make my dream come true.  But for now...uh who wants a job!? 

 Not me, you sillies.  

Nakeysville.

Guys do you notice a theme here?

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Thats right.  My baby is super bald.  I wonder when she'll start growing some hair.  I mean, she'd be WAY cute with some pigtails.  ;)

If I'm being really honest. Part One.

If I'm being really honest I'd tell you...

That I chose my daughters preschool based on the fact that they do curbside pick up so I didn't have to get out of my car in the winter. Education aspects are secondary to the chill factor. Obviously.

I quit dance when I was 9 because that "scoop" we did with our hips made me feel highly sexual.  I was like "What are these feelings!?!?"

In junior high as the class president of my church group I was supposed to prayerfully choose the girls in my group to lead with me. When that route provided me with no results I chose the girls MASH style. You know, the game you played when you were in elementary school to decide who you were going to marry, if you'd end up driving a limo, or live in a shack. Yeah that game. I hid in my room and used that game to decide who my counselors would be.

When I said I had to go home to put my kids to bed I really meant I wanted to sit on my couch and eat popcorn.

That twirl you saw me do as as a kid? It wasn't spontaneous dancing. I was smelling my own fart. You're like "ewww" and I'm like "I know!"

When I said I didn't care that I didn't get asked to any of the high school dances I was really crying alone in my room. You're like "awww" but its okay, its funny now. Lets have a laugh.

I did not laugh it off when I was 10 and told my mom an octopus joke with the accidental punchline of "testicles" instead of "tentacles". (And got scolded.) No I did not casually walk away like she thought. I nervously ran upstairs to the dictionary and looked that s*@t up!

Lets be honest, because the truth is so much funnier than fiction.

But before you go there's one more thing you need to know.  Chris Farley was my biological father.

Now what would you like to get off that chest of yours?  Spill it, its safe here.  

L'oreal Forever Fuschia

I'm going to post this photo all over the interweb because I've discovered how much I love L'oreal's Forever Fuschia Infallible lipstick.

Its bright, bold, and vibrant and it stays on forever! I mean forever, like 6 hours. It feels rich and creamy and never drying, and it never feathers. There are tons of other pretty options in the infallible line. All of them are highly pigmented and sure to please.

(These charades are getting exhausting. Actually I just really like this picture of myself and needed a great excuse to post it. No need to mention the exhaustive filtering/photoshopping process this photo has been through.  But remember what we talked about before? We never want to clue anyone in on the real reasons we post our photos.  Okay?)

Hehehe...I'm kidding. It really is a great lipstick though.

Haters Gonna Love

Guys I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, a tip, a how-to of sorts. Now this is a tutorial that anyone who uses social media will really benefit from. This is the art of posting ultra flattering pictures of yourself without appearing vain and self absorbed. (An icky sticky trait you never want to appear to have.)

Heres the trick. You need to get yourself a baby prop. A real live adorable, innocent,  baby. Trust me, you throw a baby into a picture and the people will swoon. Eliminates any potential haters, because what kind of low life can hate on an innocent baby? It'll melt any monster. And when you pretend the focus isn't on you people can feel free to give you the compliments you so desire. Comments and double taps for days.

Don't have a baby of your own? No excuses, get out there and get yourself (or your lady) pregnant.

Here are some fine examples of my family and I really mastering the baby-prop photo. (Extra cuteness points for including a precious sleeping baby.)